Gifts for the Manliest Men on Earth (or Beyond)

You know, when we get close to the holiday season people tend to get all sappy! And there is quite enough of that, so just to keep things balanced, today we’re going to stick to the manliest of all manly things! For the record, you should make it your manly mission to own everything I mention on today’s show.

Let’s Begin!

Beer Soap – $11.50

First up. I know you end your evening by polishing off a 6 pack of some sort of stout ale, so why not begin your day with a beer as well? Beer soap! There’s a whole range of choices from pale ales to steam ales to American lagers!

And don’t forget, your shower should either be ice cold, or boiling hot. None of that pansy comfortable shower stuff that makes you stand there and sing for an hour.

Sex Panther Cologne – $34

Once you’ve toweled off with a bear skin rug, splash on just a hint of Sex Panther cologne. Remember, 60% of the time, it works every time.

Marine Quote T-Shirt – $15

Next, head on over to the National Museum of the Marine Corps, where they put THIS saying, on a T-shirt. Buy that T-shirt. And wear it like a Marine. Hoo-rah!

Da Bomb Ghost Pepper Salsa – $8

Then, whip yourself up a manly breakfast. It’s Ok. I’ll wait. Don’t forget Da Bomb Ghost Pepper Salsa.

JH Williams 1,390 Piece Tool Set – $30,714

After breakfast, its time to go admire your tools. And if you don’t have any, don’t worry, you can pick up the JH Williams 1,390 piece set on Amazon Prime for only $30,000. They’ll deliver it tomorrow.

Big Blu Power Hammer – $6,995

Once you’re done admiring your wall-o-tools its time to hit your power hammer. You can pick up the 155 pounder that I personally use from the Big Blu Power Hammer company. What’s a power hammer you might be asking? Well, here’s a little clip I filmed of the famous Israeli blacksmith Uri Hofi teaching me how to do tricks with this 2,000 pound machine!

Yeah, it hits the floor so hard it can actually shatter the concrete unless you have a thick enough slab. That’s manly!!!

Zombie Hunting License – $4

Before you leave your house, make sure you have your Zombie Hunting License clearly attached to your Pickup Truck’s windshield.

Dexpan – $100

Where was I? Oh yeah, destruction! There is nothing more manly than breaking up concrete. Right about now you’re thinking Jack Hammer! But you’re wrong! Because a manly man uses his head! What you need is about 40 pounds of Dexpan!

You know that neighbor down the street who has the annoying dog that barks at all hours of the day and night? Well, just go drill some holes in his driveway and pour in a little Dexpan. As it expands, bye bye driveway.

Um. Never drill holes in someone else’s concrete for the purpose of punishing them. That is wrong. John P. does not condone that.

Pocket Chainsaw – $24

By the way, never leave home without your pocket chainsaw!

Stone Drink Dispenser – $125

Hey, can someone go get me some fire water from my liquor dispensing block of granite? It’s the best $125 you can spend on a chunk of rock!

Competition BBQ Smoker and Two-Sided Grill – $3,300

And all this talk of drinking reminds me, you need to cook some meat. But if your grill can’t fit an entire pig on it, you’ve got some upgrading to do. Over on eBay you can pick up a competition smoker trailer so you can take the party with you, wherever you go.

Well, that’s about enough manly stuff for one day. But lets not forget, sometimes you gotta turn up the heat.

Black Rock Dynamite Fire Starter – $30

So, at the end of the day when it’s time to snuggle up with your sweet, sweet lady, break out the Black Rock Dynamite fire starters and get a raging inferno going in your fire pit. Cause nothing says, I love you like the crackling of white hot embers.

If you know what I mean… and I think you do…